Understanding In A Car Crash
by joyousbrokenthing
Summary: Sequel to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out". The jealousy never lasts. He always remembers that Kendall was here first. Kendall has dug himself a hole so large in Logan's heart that James cannot fill. James/Logan, Kendall/Logan, AU future!fic


**AN: **This is a sequel to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out". You do not have to read that story to understand this one although it is recommended.

**Understanding In A Car Crash**

James doesn't know how it happened. Depending on when you ask him, he might say it was the moment Logan cried into his arms with Kendall's ring tragically wrapped around his finger. He might tell you it was the moment Logan smiled at him for the first time since Kendall's car burst into flames igniting the sky for miles on end. He might even tell you it was all before Kendall.

Depending when you ask James, he might tell you it started with four kids on a playground. It might have been the moment Logan spoke his name for the first time with something between an amused grin and a brash smirk. The way Logan grabbed onto his arm and pulled him along, hiding from Carlos and Kendall in an intense game of tag.

Really, James doesn't recall when or how he fell in love with Logan. The minor details do not matter. The facts are this. It's been five years since Kendall's death. He's been there for Logan each and every step of the way. Every year on this day Logan will disappear. James will be wrecked with worry. Come morning, Logan will come back around. False smile in place ready to fool James.

"Doesn't it bother you?" Carlos asked him once.

James takes a moment to think about the question. He wonders what part Carlos is referring to. If he were honest with himself, he could pick apart a million ways in which none of this is fair. One single thought runs through his mind each time. Logan is still here. Logan is alive and well. He will do anything to hold Logan together. That's all that really matters.

For weeks and months after Kendall died, Logan was a mess. He had quit his job at the hospital. There were days on end when Logan would not get out of bed. James and Carlos practically moved in. The two of them took turns keeping an eyeful watch, always afraid that if they turn there back long enough they'd lose another best friend.

Carlos, for his part, did not know how to handle this type of grief. As time wore on the longer they took care of Logan the more Carlos seemed to have unraveled at the seams. The glimmer in his eyes had all but disappeared. James could not handle losing every trace of the people he loved.

So James bought two tickets for a Disney cruise asking Carlos to take Katie. On the surface, asking Carlos to take care of Katie but all the while knowing Carlos needed to get away to save himself.

James stayed with Logan. He dragged the boy into the shower in his Ambien slumps, poured bottles upon bottles of Xanax, Prozac and Valium down the drain. James tore apart Logan's prescription pad.

He stayed up all night in a chair next to Logan. He watches as Logan stares absentmindedly against the wall. When the tears seep out of the corner of his eyes, Logan closes them and drifts asleep.

James tried crawling in next to Logan once. He so desperately wanted to hold Logan during his gut wrenching sobs. Logan pushed back at him yelling that it was Kendall's spot.

James never tried to lie on that bed again.

One day something in James broke. It was months after it had happened. Carlos stopped visiting. He had moved on the only way he knew how. James couldn't blame him. Logan looked so thin and pale that James couldn't help but cry at the sight. He had lost one best friend and he refused to lose another.

James finally broke down and started crying. He grabbed onto Logan's hand with both of his, scooted his chair close to the bed, placing kisses on the back of Logan's hand.

"Please stop doing this to yourself. Please. Logan, please. I can't lose you too."

His emotions got the better of him. He couldn't stop crying when Logan's eyes widened at his confession. He couldn't stop when Logan pulled him onto the bed, couldn't stop when Logan's arms wrapped around him, hands running up and down his back, soothing, comforting.

His tears only subsided when Logan whispered, "Okay, James. Okay."

The journey back to any hint of normalcy was long and unwinding. Logan began to follow James out of the house going through the motions as best as he could.

Sometimes James will catch him staring at the ring on his finger and James will try his hardest to get Logan's mind off of Kendall. One day, Logan sat across from James at a diner and laughed at a stupid joke James had made. A real, genuine laugh. The sound tasted so sweet in James' ear that his heart swelled. He reached across the table to place his hand above Logan's. His heart raced faster when Logan doesn't pull away.

James had never put much thought into his sexuality. When Kendall and Logan found each other James had felt nothing but happiness for his best friends. Sometimes, when they were together, he felt a hint of jealousy. Not at Kendall and not at Logan but at what they had. That type of happiness seemed so far out of his reach.

He kisses Logan eight months and three days after Kendall passes. Something about the way Logan is laughing reminds James so much of a happier, simpler time. He couldn't stop himself from wanting to taste that sort of happiness again, completely mesmerized by the way that Logan looked right then.

Logan pulled away from him quickly, fingers tracing the ring on his finger before turning around and running away.

James sat in the darkness of his kitchen that night intoxicated with guilt. The soft knock at three am brings Logan to him. Logan says no words. He leans forward and kisses James softly on the lips, a hint of a smile when he pulls away.

James lets out a sigh of relief. That night they lie in James bed kissing all night long. Soft gentle kisses, a nip at the neck, like two teenagers finding out what kissing feels like for the very first time. An unspoken agreement that it does not have to mean anything at all.

Of course, desire spirals out of their control.

Soon, they are together. When they are around other company Logan will keep his distance. James can't help but feel as if Logan is ashamed of him.

He loves them both. He loves Kendall and he loves Logan. But what he feels for Logan is slipping out of familiar territory. Surpassing anything he feels for Kendall or Carlos. Suddenly James can't help but compare himself to his dead best friend. James thinks it's ironic being second best to Kendall all his life even in his death.

The jealousy never lasts. He always remembers that Kendall was here first. Kendall has dug himself a hole so large in Logan's heart that James cannot fill.

At dinner one night he sees Mama Knight pull Logan aside to her bedroom. When they emerge both their eyes are red and bloodshot. When he sits back down Logan sits next to James and finally takes his hand in the company of others. James feels his heart hammering in his chest and recognizes that yes, this is what love feels like.

He glances at Mama Knight and silently thanks her. She offers a smile of approval tainted a sadness James does not want to place.

James cannot help but notice the looks his friends give him as if he's stolen away someone's lover, as if he's a home wrecker to a man who's no longer here. No one ever says anything. They all offer their congratulations but James still sees it in their eyes.

The only person who never approves is Katie.

"He's never going to love you like Kendall, you know?" She tells him bluntly.

He silently laughs and smiles back at her, thankful for a moment that at least Katie can still be honest with him. She's the only one who hasn't tiptoed around the tragedy.

"I know, Katie. I know." He replies.

Her look softens then. Anger turns into pity.

"What are we doing?" James asked Logan one day.

"What do you mean?" Logan asked, confusion apparent.

"I love you, Logan." He confesses. It isn't the first time he's said it out loud. But it surprises Logan nonetheless. "Marry me."

Logan's eyes automatically fall to the ring already on his hand.

"I'm not trying to replace Kendall. I'm not. But he's not here anymore and I am. Can you just give me this?" James pleaded.

He didn't know what came over him. Maybe a selfish part of him wanted to make Logan his the way Kendall was unable to. Claim something as his own when nothing felt like it. The proposal was informal. James didn't even have a ring.

"I'll buy you a new ring. We won't use Kendall's. But you don't have to take that off either."

He fears Logan wouldn't even if he asked.

"We should have this conversation tomorrow." Logan tried to walk away. "I have to get to work."

"Tomorrow Kendall will still be dead. I'm not asking you to forget him. I know it's pointless. You can't. I can't. We all love Kendall. Question is, do you love me?"

Logan never said as much. James braced himself for the heartbreak. He convinces himself the answer would not change a thing. He'd still stay for Logan.

"I love you," Logan sighs, "But I love Kendall."

James wishes he hadn't known Logan nearly all his life. Maybe then he wouldn't have picked up the subtle tone in which makes all the difference in the two confessions.

"Good. Then just marry me. What are we doing dating?"

Neither of them would ever find another person who would understand even the slightest glimmer of their grief.

James thinks it might be a little unfair. Logan told him about the fight he had with Kendall the morning of the accident. This time around James is forcing Logan to be on the opposite end of that conversation. James relies on the guilt to make Logan say yes.

"Okay." Logan says.

They marry at the courthouse where it had become legal since Kendall's death. Carlos and Camille act as witnesses. Immediately after they take Mama Knight out to lunch. There are tears in her eyes as she hugs them both and offer her warmest wishes. Logan kisses James for the first time in public making it the happiest day of James' life.

James convinces Logan to become partner at his friends' private practice. Work would be good for him when James is away. After weeks of coaxing Logan agrees. Logan moves in with James to be closer to the practice. He still keeps the apartment he shares with Kendall. The key to that apartment hanging heavy by their door.

Sometimes Logan will disappear and James can only assume he's gone back to that apartment. Every year on the day Kendall dies Logan will lock himself up there. When he comes back James never asks any questions. He never asks to come with.

There are moments when Logan will look between them and his eyes will gloss over. James imagines that Logan sees Kendall between them. His heart will sink and he will allow Logan a moment before breaking Logan out of his deep thoughts. James knows the feeling.

Sometimes when they are together with Carlos, all eyes will settle on the empty spot between them where Kendall should be. It's easy to imagine blonde hair and dark eyebrows laughing back at them. His absence is always an overbearing presence in their lives. James chooses not to ignore it. Coping with it gets no easier as time goes on.

James is fascinated by the relationship between Kendall and Logan. Rather than shy away from the love story he cannot replace, James wants to know everything he can about them. Call him sadistic, James could not help himself.

"Just leave it alone." Carlos warns him one afternoon.

"I can't. Tell me Carlos, tell me what you remember about them."

"You were there too, James. You saw them together just as I had." Carlos reminds him.

"I was disinterested then. I feel like there are so many things I missed."

Carlos would tell him stories of when they were together those times James was not around. He'd tell James about the way Logan always leaned close into Kendall's side right before he wanted to leave. A bit of a sign to offer a polite goodbye to Carlos before hurrying away like schoolchildren giddy to be alone with each other once more.

When Logan is out of the house sometimes James will dig up boxes and boxes of old photos. He will examine the way Logan and Kendall looked at each other. He will memorize the closeness in their stances. Commit these images to memory to carry with him the next time Logan looks sad or far away.

"You've changed so much." Carlos tells him late one night when they're all out drinking, "I don't know what it is. You're more kind, less self-centered, I appreciate that you're taking care of Logan but sometimes…sometimes I miss you dude. Where did James go?"

The words hang heavy with James. He doesn't know how or when this change in him occurred. It seemed like the only way to be when his world was falling apart. He mentions it to his therapist.

"Have you ever thought maybe you've changed because you're trying to embrace these qualities in Kendall? It's possibly you're doing it for Logan. To get him to love you." She tells him.

He takes a moment to think about it. He realizes she is wrong. He is not doing this for Logan. He is doing this for himself. Their group of friends would not survive without someone like Kendall. James has somehow stepped up to take that place. He knows he will never be as smart, as caring, as kind but he doesn't stop trying.

For himself, for Carlos, for Logan.

He doesn't mind being a placeholder for Kendall.

He loves Logan enough to stand by selflessly. And god damn, if it wasn't the most selfless thing James had ever done in his life. Sometimes he thinks he should be commended for it. Sometimes he craves a little recognition for his sacrifice, a medal or a party or something. But then he sees Logan smile and that is enough.

James knows that Logan is counting down the days until he can bid this earth goodbye and run to join Kendal wherever it is he awaits. Until then, James will gladly stay by his side taking any amount of affection Logan is willing to give.

He imagines the day he will see Kendall again. The blonde haired, green-eyed boy will pull him into a hug and thank him for taking care of Logan. He imagines Kendall will also punch him gently, playfully berate him for touching Logan.

"You're back." James is surprised to find Logan walking through their door. Today is the day Kendall died. He doesn't expect to see Logan. He panics for a moment. "Are you okay?"

Logan wordlessly nods. He curls himself onto the sofa next to James and breathes in deeply.

"Come with me to his grave?" Logan asked, slightly above a whisper.

James kisses the top of his head, "Okay."

In the face of adversity sometimes we find the hero in all of us.

James wouldn't consider himself a hero.

He is just a boy hanging onto his friends the best way he knows how.


End file.
